


California Gold

by princessvana



Category: A Star is Born (2018)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Ending, Depression, Drug Use, F/M, Fix-It, Rehabilitation, Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 16:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18196652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessvana/pseuds/princessvana
Summary: After a failed suicide attempt, Jackson is put into recovery. Separated by pride and words unspoken, Jackson and Ally Maine struggle to pick up the pieces of their nuclear fallout.





	1. Chapter 1

“ _I’m alone in my house_.”

Ally’s voice reverberated around the stadium. The crowd cheered and she beamed. Never in a hundred years did she think she’d be here- selling out the Los Angeles forum, and performing her own music.

She danced as she sang, hitting every beat and note as she and her dancers pranced around the stage. Her audience was electrified and she played off their energy. _Kick ball change; attitude._ Sweat dripped from her forehead as she hit her last mark, and the venue erupted in cheers. Ally relished in it for a moment, and then the lights went out.

It’s a little known fact that chaos ensues when those stage lights dim. Ally rushed to the back and a dancer followed close behind, unbuttoning her glittery bodysuit as they jogged to the side stage. “Where’s Jack?” she asked, her green eyes scanning faces as assistants tugged and prodded at her.

“We’re sending a car now,” her eyes settled on Rez. “You’re going to have to perform Shallow either way.”

“Okay,” Ally breathed. Apprehension pooled in the pit of her stomach. Jackson said he’d be there.

“Get back out there- you’re doing fantastic.”

Ally turned and moved swiftly, sitting at the piano stagehands had moved to the center. The lights snapped back on and the light refracted off her marigold locks. She gazed at the piano for a moment, steeling herself. Within moments her fingers glided along the keys as they had a hundred times before.

“ _Tell me something, girl.”_

The crowd erupted in cheers. Shallow had always been a crowd favorite, but Jackson’s lines felt hollow in her throat, and she found herself struggling through tears. She looked backstage, where Rez gave her a thumbs up. Her eyelids shut as she belted out the high notes. They felt empty, even cold, without Jackson’s deep vocals to warm them up.

“ _We’re far from the shallow now.”_

Ally moved backstage again, tears falling down her face as she found herself unable to stifle the emotion. “Rez,” she bellowed. “ _Where is he?_ ”

“Ally, Ally, Ally,” he approached the starlet, grabbing her slender shoulders. “He’s fine. This is about you. This is about saying what you need to say. Two more songs, then you can see him again. You just have to make this final push. Can you do that for me?” Ally nodded. “I need makeup,” Rez walked away, and an intern ran up, dabbing at the makeup that had run under Ally’s eyes.

Ally turned and steadied herself. _Two more songs,_ she toyed with the thought, _then I can see him._ She settled her shoulders and straightened her back, lifting her chin. _Just two more songs_.

Brave face on once more, Ally stepped into the glittering spotlight.

xxx

Ally pulled her hoodie tighter around her. It was April in Los Angeles- the time of year when the days were comfortably warm and the nights cold enough to be cozy. She rested her head against the cool glass of the window, watching as the streetlights zipped past her vision. “How much longer?” she whispered. There was a time she could have navigated the sleepy LA streets with ease; now, she couldn’t even estimate the time to her own home. Being famous changed the most bizarre things; her navigation skills had rusted severely despite it only being a year since she’d last drove.

“About 10 minutes, Al,” Phil replied from the front seat. He glanced at her through the rear view mirror. “You okay back there?”

“I’m worried about Jack.”

“Rez said he’s fine.”

“I know what Rez said,” Ally’s eyebrows furrowed together. “I also know he’d say whatever it takes to soothe me, be it the truth or otherwise.”

They turned down a road, and Ally knew they were getting close to home. “That’s strange,” Phil muttered. He pulled over, and the car filled up with flashing red and blue lights. Before Ally could finish turning to look behind them, an ambulance and police car flashed past them.

Ally stared after the vehicles glassy-eyed. Bile rose in her throat. “Take me home, Phil. Quickly.”

Phil complied, picking up the pace as they zipped through the winding roads leading up to Ally’s home. They rounded a corner and Ally saw lights illuminating the trees. “No,” she whispered. The emergency vehicles were parked outside her home. One of the other drivers, Mark, was talking to a police officer.

Ally jumped out of the car before it had even stopped, racing up the driveway. An officer tried to block her but she pushed through. “That’s my fucking husband,” she spat. The garage door was open wide, and she could see Jack’s jean-clad legs sticking out of a group of paramedics. She lunged forward, desperate to see if Jack was okay, but a strong pair of arms wrapped around her, lifting her tiny body out of the air and away from her husband.

The man attempted to soothe her as she writhed and thrashed in his arms. “I know that’s your husband,” the voice started, but Ally could barely hear him over her sobs, “I know that’s your husband,” he repeated, and Ally began gasping for air, “but you don’t want to see him like this. He needs help, and we’re going to get it for him, okay?” Ally let out wails as the man carried her farther and farther from Jack. She bucked until she got a glance over her shoulder and she saw Jack on a stretcher. He was lying on a stretcher, eyes were fixated on her, and they closed in agony when the two made eye contact. The paramedics loaded him into the stretcher and the man pulled her away from the scene.

“What happened,” she sobbed as the man set her down on the sidewalk, far enough from the house that it was predominantly obscured by trees. Ally could see now that he was an officer, and his eyes were heavy with emotion as he took her tiny hands in his.

“Your husband tried to… to-”

“No,” Ally shook her head, frantic.

“He tried to take his own life.”

“No,” she screamed, and the officer bowed his head. Hysteria overwhelmed her, and the officer just sat and waited out the storm. “Is he okay?” she gasped between breaths.

“As okay as you can be after this,” the officer’s voice was gentle, but Ally hated him anyway. What happened wasn’t his fault, of course, but she couldn’t stop herself from shooting the messenger. “The belt snapped, he hit his head pretty bad. They’re taking him to the hospital. From what I know, he’s going to be okay, and you’ll be able to discuss treatment plans at the hospital, okay?”

“Why?" 

Pain flicked across the officer’s features, and he bowed his head once more. “I don’t know.”

“Why would he do this to me?”

Another officer approached them, crouching down beside the first. “We’ve called your father, ma’am,” the officer nodded. “He’ll be here any moment now. Do you need help? Do you need a ride to the hospital? You seem to be having an anxiety attack-”

“I’m fine,” Ally snapped. “I just want my husband,” she curled her knees up to her chest, grabbing her fiery orange hair as it slipped from the messy bun atop her head. The ambulance peeled out of their driveway, sirens blazing, and sped off into the night. “I just want Jackson.”

“Grab her a blanket,” the first officer said, and the other officer complied. The first officer gingerly wrapped the blanket around Ally’s shoulders, placing an arm around her as she sobbed and heaved. He spoke gently to her, not searching for a response, just letting her know that everything would be okay in the end.

That’s how Lorenzo found his daughter. Weeping on the side of the street, frantically trying to catch her breath, a stranger’s arm offering all the comfort it possibly can. “Ally?” he screamed, and she looked up.

“Daddy?” she whispered.

Lorenzo bolted out of his car and scooped up his daughter. “What happened, sweetheart?” she was so tiny he held her with ease as he rubbed her back. He turned to the officer, “What happened?”

The officer bit his lip. “Jack… tried to…”

“Okay,” Lorenzo nodded, and he pulled Ally closer. Despite the question, it had been relatively obvious what had occurred. He didn’t need to know if there was a noose or a gun or pills involved- what mattered was that his daughter was hurting, and he needed to help her. “Thank you. Are we okay to head inside?”

“We’ve got to spend a bit more time collecting evidence…”

“Can you shut the lights off so I can take my daughter inside and let her get some rest?” Lorenzo asked again, firmer, and the officer nodded and walked away. “It’s gonna be okay, Al,” the police lights shut off all at once and darkness surrounded them. Lorenzo walked toward his daughter’s home, holding her tight. The home was illuminated red by the _La Vie En Rose_ sign Ally had bought a mere month beforehand. She’d been so delighted by it, telling him the story of how she and Jack had met because of that song. He wanted to tear it the fuck down now. Cradling his daughter in his arms as she wept, he fucking hated Jackson Maine and anything that had to do with him.

But it wasn’t about Jackson right now. It was about Ally, and she was hurting, bad. He crossed the threshold into her home and kissed her forehead.

“Everything’s going to be okay.”


	2. Chapter 2

Jack opened his eyes.

Machines filled the hospital room with a gentle hum. Fluorescent lights made the room seem cold and clinical- apt, he supposed. A portrait of a beach was hung adjacent to his bed, but it was nothing special. Installed in an attempt to make the room feel more like home, the Target reprint did just the opposite. Jack turned to look out the window, and realized his neck hurt.

In an instant, he had a realization-  _ he was alive _ . Everything about the night before was fuzzy- the steak for Charlie, the pills in the glovebox, the belt around his neck, then lights out. But he knew he was alive, and he knew he was in a hospital bed, and he knew it meant out there, somewhere, Ally was waiting for him.

“You’re not supposed to move your head, bud,” Bobby’s voice filled the room. His brother sauntered over, his dark eyes grave. “Nice to see you awake- it’s been what, three days now?”

Tears welled in Jackson’s eyes and then he was crying. “I’m sorry, Bobby,” he whimpered. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” Bobby’s voice cracked and he sat on the edge of Jackson’s bed, running his hand over his brother’s greasy hair. Biting back tears, Bobby brushed a piece of hair out of his younger brother’s face. “Why’d you do it?”

Jackson’s tears began to subside. “I’m ruining her life, Bobby.”

“This isn’t how you fix things, Jack,” Bobby shook his head somberly.

“Where is she?”

“Home,” Bobby nodded. “They called her dad and he drove up to be with her, keep her company while you’re down,” Bobby bowed his head. “From the looks of things, you’ll be down for a while. They found drugs in your system, Jack.”

Jack stared back at his brother unblinking, unfeeling. Emotion pumped through Bobby’s veins. “Why? You were four months clean. Four months,” he shrugged. “Did you try and kill yourself because you took the pills, or did you take the pills because you were gonna try and kill yourself?”

“Bobby-”

“I know. I know,” Bobby ran a hand across his grim face. “Not helpful.”

The elder Maine brother stood up then, and a nurse entered the room. “Nice to see you awake, Mr. Maine,” Jack smiled at her, and Bobby sat down on the sofa opposite the bed. The nurse approached Jack, checking his vitals. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I just got hit by a fuckin’ semi.”

“You hit your head pretty hard when the belt snapped,” Jack laughed, and the nurse looked at him, confused. “I’m sorry?”

“Of course the fuckin’ belt snapped,” he scoffed.

The nurse looked over at Bobby, whose expression matched her own. She shook it off and continued. “Your vitals look good. Are you up for visitors?”

Jack looked at her worriedly. “Like who?”

“Your brother had a specialist flown in to discuss treatment options moving forward. Counseling, rehabilitation, et cetera,” the nurse’s eyes flicked to Bobby for a moment, “and your wife called. She said she’d like to visit.”

_ My wife,  _ Jack thought, and suddenly his mind erupted in color. Ally had that effect on him. She was a light in the darkness, a path to salvation- a beautiful creature that had the misfortune of stumbling into his fucked up trainwreck of a life.

“I’ll see the counselor,” Jack gulped, trying to stifle a crack in his voice, “but I don’t want Ally here.”

“Jack-” Bobby interjected.

“I don’t want her to see me like this,” Jack snapped back, and Bobby stared at him with eyes open wide. “Bring in the fuckin’ therapist, but I don’t want Ally anywhere near this shithole.”

The nurse looked up at Bobby, incredulous. He just shrugged. “It’s his choice. It’s a shitty, fucked up choice, but it’s his choice,” Bobby looked at Jack with a disapproving glare. “Bring the counselor in, please.”

xxx

“Okay,” Lorenzo’s voice was heavy in the kitchen. “Okay. Thanks, Bobby.”

The phone clicked as Lorenzo placed it back on the receiver. Jack and Ally had loved the concept of a landline. It felt like home. Ally could remember countless nights spent calling Jack on that phone as she twirled the chord between her fingers, missing him. She wished she could call him now.

Lorenzo trudged back into the room, hands in the pockets of his trousers. “Hey, Ally Cat.”

“When can we go see him?” Ally pulled her blanket up closer to her chin. Her hair was a mess, just as it had been the night before, except with the added touches of bed head.

“That’s the thing honey; we… we can’t,” Lorenzo’s mouth settled into a grim line and he flicked his eyes away from his daughter.

“The fuck you mean, we can’t?” Ally snapped. She was on her feet then, furious. “Why can’t we see him?”

“Ally-”

“Why can’t we see him, dad?” the petite girl stomped up to her father. A foot, 3 inches, and about 160 pounds separated the two, but that didn’t stop Ally from fighting back- it never had.

“He put you on the list of banned visitors.”

Ally held up a finger. “No,” her voice wavered. “He didn’t. Why the fuck would he do that? He wouldn’t do that.”

“He says he doesn’t want you to see him like that-”

“He doesn’t get to fucking decide for me.”

“Bobby told me-”

“Bobby isn’t his wife.”

“I  _ know,  _ Ally,” Lorenzo exclaimed, exasperated. “I know. I know it hurts worse than anything you’ve ever felt before. I know you just want to see your husband. I know you’re mad and hurt and upset and I’m going to do everything I can to help but I am  _ not  _ your enemy here,” Ally’s tiny frame quivered and Lorenzo sighed, taking her hands in his. “If I could make him see you, I would. If I could take back all the pain and hurt you’ve felt these past twenty four hours, I would. But I  _ can’t _ , baby. I just can’t.”

Ally’s bottom lip began to shake and Lorenzo pulled her in for a hug, kissing the top of her head. “I’m sorry, baby girl. I’m so, so sorry.”

“What did I do, daddy?” she whispered, her chest heaving. “Why doesn’t he want me?”

“He does, Ally. He does. He’s just going through some shit right now.”

“So am I,” her words were strong, but her delivery was meek. Exhaustion had begun to dull her fiery demeanor.

“I know, Ally, I just-”

“You can’t fix it. I know. I’m sorry,” she leaned her head on her father’s chest for a moment longer, then pulled back, wiping tears out from under her eyes. “I love you. I’m sorry I’m being such a handful.”

“You’re not a handful,” Lorenzo sighed, cupping her cheek. “Not now, not ever. I couldn’t ask for a better daughter.”

Ally smiled, but her expression was tainted with sadness. She kissed her father on the cheek. “I think I’m going to go lie down.”

“That’s a good idea, Al. Get some rest.”

Ally nodded and pulled her shawl tightly around her. She trudged down the hallway toward her bedroom, scarcely able to lift her feet off the hardwood floors. The bed was cold when she climbed in and she let out a shiver. Charlie jumped on the bed as she pulled the covers up to her chest. The dog curled his body into hers, crying softly, and she kissed his fuzzy head. “I know, baby. I know.”

Sleep evaded her for a while, and when it finally did capture her, it was harrowing instead of comforting. Images of Jackson swinging from the rafters in the garage swirled in her memory. She imagined herself walking up the driveway after the concert, seeing his legs dangling down through the windows in the garage. Her screaming woke her up from her sleep, and she found herself drenched in sweat. Charlie had moved off the bed, no doubt due to her thrashing.

Outside, the light of day had long since given way to night. Ally sighed. It had only been 10 am when she’d woken up before. She pressed the home button on her cell phone, and its light illuminated the room.  _ 11:47. _ Lorenzo had long since gone to bed, old man he was, and a knot of uneasiness tightened in Ally’s stomach.

Trudging through the darkness, she made her way to the bathroom. The light bathed her in a yellow glow, and she looked at herself in the mirror. Through a wince, she noticed her face seemed jaundiced in the light. Bags made homes under her eyes, and she felt she looked 10 years older overnight. She tugged off her cardigan and her sweats, then picked up one of Jack’s shirts off the bathroom floor. It smelled like him, and she pressed the cloth to her nose and breathed deeply. Musty and sweet; Jack’s signature scent plagued the thin old t-shirt. Ally tugged it on over her slender shoulders and turned her attention back to the mirror.

The first time Jack had worn this shirt had been two months after they’d first began dating. The memory drifted through her mind. She could practically see him on stage, banging his head as he attacked the neck of his guitar while she ruthlessly slayed the piano. He whipped his head back, flashing that gorgeous smile at her, and she felt a fire in her spirit. Jack ignited her soul in ways she’d never felt before. She’d leapt into his arms after the show, kissing him deeply, and breathing in the sweet, distinct aroma of his art. He’d carried her into their hotel room, and after a long night together she’d pulled this same shirt over her head as they talked about life and death and everything in between.

The flicker of the bathroom light pulled her back into the present. Gone was the youthful look of a newfound love- instead, Ally’s face was weighed down with the horrors of addiction, depression, and alcoholism. None of those issues her own, she thought, but she was happy to bear the load for her husband. Jack was gone, though- refusing to see her- and she wondered why she bothered to bear this load at all.

Numb, Ally raked a hand through her tousled hair. It was due for a wash, but that was beyond her concern at the moment. In an instant, she realized her fingers were lingering on the knob of the bathroom drawer. Brows knitted together in confusion, she found herself pulling anyway. A cluster of dental floss and toothpaste bottles greeted her, and she pulled the drawer out further.

A rattle sounded in the back of the drawer as she tugged it open. She hadn’t realized what she’d been looking for until she found it, and she pulled a small bottle of pills out of the back. When Jack had gone to rehab she’d done her best to erase every trace of his habit, tossing out bottle after bottle, but she knew there was no way she’d find it all. Surprise flickered across her features and she laughed because she wasn’t sure why she was surprised at all. It wasn’t as if Jack had manifested that bottle of pills he’d downed out of thin air. For a brief moment, she wondered if he’d hid the pills for that exact purpose. A silent friend, lingering just out of sight, ready to help him over the edge when the moment was right-

Without realizing what she was doing, Ally swallowed two pills. She hadn’t noticed herself removing the lid, or grabbing the pills, or even placing them in her mouth. The woman in the mirror looked at her with feeble horror, and with a start, Ally realized she was looking at herself. She backed up to exit the bathroom, bumping against the wall as she stumbled back to her bedroom. Charlie whimpered at her feet as she lumbered into bed.

This time, the sheets felt oddly warm, like they were embracing her. Ally checked her phone.  _ 1:47.  _ How had two hours passed? Bewilderment washed over her, but found itself unable to take. Ally’s eyes fluttered shut, and this time sleep welcomed her like an old friend.

Ally slept the best she had in days.


	3. Chapter 3

Water slipped down Ally’s pale figure, hugging every curve. It had been 45 minutes since she’d first stepped into the shower. Warm sensations electrified her with every drop of hot water that grazed her flesh, and she turned her head up, eyes closed, and felt every nerve in her body soothe. 

A knock on the door pulled her from her daydream. “Ally,” Lorenzo’s voice echoed through her bathroom. “Someone’s here to see you.”

Ally stepped out of the shower, rubbing her toes into the soft shag of the bathmat. The towel felt like a hug as she wrapped it around herself, and she moved toward the mirror.

Redness stung her cheeks and bags felt heavy under her eyes. She prodded the eye bags gently with her finger, but she knew there was nothing that could be done. Quickly, she changed into the clothing that had become her primary comfort in the days since Jack’s accident- her leggings, his hoodie. It was much too big for her tiny frame, but she liked the way it obscured her increasingly emaciated form. The bun she’d worn into the shower had become a permanent fixture atop her head.

The hallway was brisk as she stepped into it, leaving the warm allure of the bathroom. Charlie’s paws pattered on the hardwood as he rushed up to greet her, and she treated him with a loving scratch behind the ears. At the end of the hall she turned, and her breath caught in her throat.

“Where’s my dad?” she demanded.

“Outside.”

“Why the fuck are you here? Who said I wanted to see you?” Ally snapped.

Rez shifted uncomfortably on the couch. “I wanted to apologize.”

“For what?” her words were cold and deliberate. “For forcing me through a concert I  _ knew  _ I should have left? For shaming my relationship with my husband because the PR was too difficult for you? Let’s be real, Rez, you’re here to gloat,” she turned on her heels, but the agent stopped her.

“Ally, wait,” he sighed. “I never wanted this for Jack,” she rolled her eyes. “I know you don’t believe that, but it’s true. I never wished him death or any harm, and I am so deeply apologetic that you and your family are suffering through this. All I ever wished was that you had the ability and  _ stability  _ necessary to accompany your stardom.”

“What do you want Rez? Are you honestly here to tell me my fucking career is over?”

“Quite the opposite, actually. Do you have E! News?” Ally shook her head. “I thought as much. Come here.”

Tentatively, Ally moved to sit beside him on the couch. Rez opened his laptop and logged in. A tab was already open; Giuliana Rancic moved silently on the screen, and Rez clicked the sound on.

“ _ The world is wondering- what happened to Ally and Jackson Maine? How did things go so terribly wrong? Sources tell us that Jackson has entered recovery whereas Ally hasn’t been seen since the news broke nearly two weeks ago. Tonight, we’ll be doing a deeper look into the tragic story of a couple railroaded by the spotlight. But first, we’ll leave you with a message- Jackson and Ally, wherever you are, we love you, and we can’t wait to see you come out on top.” _

Ally’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “You told me Jack was a PR nightmare. What’s with the warm reception?”

“The public loves to see people overcome tragedy,” Rez nodded at the laptop, not looking at Ally. “When Jackson was spiraling, people were angry with him for dragging you down. Stealing your spotlight. But when- when  _ the accident  _ happened, Jackson’s whole image changed. He was no longer a junkie who couldn’t keep it together on stage,” Ally grimaced, “-sorry. He’s become a tragedy, a man burned by the darkness of his past, and they’re seeing you as the light that pulls him through. They don’t care he dragged you down, they just want to see you lift him up.”

“So the world loves him because he tried to fucking kill himself.”

“I know it sounds terrible, Ally, but this is your chance to re-introduce yourself,” Rez sighed heavily. “I made you a superstar, but I don’t think that’s what you’ve ever wanted. In the past two years, there hasn’t been a single concert where you’ve had half the energy you did with Jackson,” he smiled softly at her. “The world wants to hear what you have to say, now more than ever. They’re listening, and they don’t want to hear from Ally the popstar- they want to hear from Ally Maine, the strong wife of a troubled man. They want to see the two of you unite. They want a love story that rises above the odds,” Rez’s smile faded as he inspected Ally’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“Jack hasn’t spoken to me since he was hospitalized,” Ally stared off coldly, then moved abruptly. She stormed toward the counter, snatching a pack of cigarettes off the counter. Rez moved after her, confusion swirling through his mind.

“What do you mean he hasn’t spoken to you?” Rez asked as the two of them stepped through the front door to outside.

“I mean he hasn’t spoken to me Rez. No ‘I love you’s, not so much as a ring on the phone. He blocked me from visiting him in treatment. I’ve considered filing divorce papers but I don’t want to be the one to do it first. I don’t want to lose him, but he wants to be lost, so what can I do about that,” Ally lit her cigarette and laughed; not out of humor, but frustration. “The world wants to see us unite but it isn’t going to happen. Not unless they find a way to get through to the most stubborn man in America,” she glanced over at Rez, who stood with his mouth agape. “I’m sorry.”

“I can fix this,” Rez shook his head, determination tightening his jaw.

“Good fucking luck,” Ally puffed on her cigarette. “Even Bobby couldn’t break through, and he fucking hates you, so good fucking luck,” she shrugged, tears biting at her eyes. “I think you should go.”

“I won’t let you down, Ally. I  _ can  _ fix this.”

“If it helps, I can’t possibly be any more let down than I already am.”

Rez studied her carefully, then turned on his heel and walked away. His phone was out immediately and Ally chuckled at the sight. He thought he could fix  _ everything _ with that cell phone- always had.

Tears were streaming down her cheeks long before she’d realized. A long rod of ash sat at the end of her cigarette, so she dropped it and stomped it out. She pulled out another with ease, and felt her fingers knock against the bottle in her pocket. With one hand she lit up her cigarette, with the other she fished out the bottle. For a lingering moment she glared at the bottle, then twisted it open and shook some pills into her hand.

The pills slid down her throat easily, and a comfort washed over her. Clearly, the feeling was placebo, but she knew the true relaxation would set in soon. She sat on the bench beside the door, gazing off into the treeline as she puffed on her cigarette.

“Ally? You coming in soon?” her father spoke softly from the door. She hadn’t heard it open.

“In a moment,” she replied, and she tilted her head back in tranquil ecstasy.


	4. Chapter 4

“I’d hoped I’d never see you here again.”

Jack looked up. A familiar face smiled soberly back at him. “How’s it goin’, doc.”

Doctor Warner shrugged, then took a seat beside him. “I had a feeling I’d find you here.”

“I’m a creature of habit, I guess.”

The park was serene around them. Everything in treatment was serene. Perfectly designed to minimize stress and maximize calm, the world around the patients was gorgeously artificial. It would be beautiful, Jack thought, if it wasn’t such a fucking farce.

“What’s been going on in your life, Jack?”

“As if you don’t know,” Jack laughed bitterly in response. “I’m sure TMZ could give you a quick rundown.”

“I’m sure they could,” Dr. Warner nodded, “but I want to hear it from you.”

The comment caught Jack off guard. Being treated like a person was still something so foreign to him. Even the vast majority of patients were starstruck by him, asking for autographs until orderlies chastised them. Everyone was fascinated by Jackson Maine; the enigma, the trainwreck, the lost cause. Not many were interested in Jackson Maine the man.

“I’ve had better days,” Jack nodded. “No offense, doc, but treatment fucking sucks. I miss my freedom. I miss my dog. I miss my house.”

“Do you miss the pills?”

The two men looked at eachother, and Jack smiled. “If I’m being honest? No. I don’t. I think I kicked ‘em for good last time I was here.”

“Then why did you take them again, Jack?”

Jack ran a hand through his disheveled hair. “I needed the courage to do what needed to be done.”

“For Ally?”

Birds chattered around them. This conversation was so different from any he’d ever had before; the last time he’d been here, the doc had been structured, formal, unwilling to make interjections like this. This time, he wasn’t pulling any punches.

“Yeah,” Jack whispered. “For her.”

“You’ve said you miss your freedom, your dog, and your house. What about your wife? I know she wants to see you. She calls you daily.”

Jack looked up, his eyes sparkling. It had been nearly two months now; no one had told him she was still calling. He’d thought she’d long forgotten about him by now, content to leave him in her past, and he woke up every day wondering if it would finally be the day she filed the papers.

“I miss her more than I could possibly express. I’m doing this for her.”

“What does cutting her out achieve, Jack?”

Jack laughed, his voice hoarse, and he leaned back and shrugged. “It protects her. Gives her time to heal herself instead of worrying about me,” he hadn’t realized he’d been wringing his hands, but suddenly he was acutely aware. “I’m a bum, and she’s always put me first, because that’s the type of girl she is. She’s more than I deserve. She needs a moment to worry about herself instead of worrying if I can be fixed,” Jack felt tears prick in his eyes, but he fought them off.

“Nah,” the doc shook his head and Jack looked at him incredulously. “That’s not it.”

“The fuck you mean that’s not-”

“That’s not it, Jack,” Dr. Warner looked at him, a bemused smile painting his wrinkled features. “You’re not pushing Ally away for her benefit, you’re doing it for you. You’re afraid of connection. You’re afraid of being vulnerable. In fact, you’re  _ so _ afraid of being open with her, you’d rather end your life than have an honest conversation about your feelings,” the doc placed a hand on Jack’s back. “You’re afraid of Ally being here because you know how she’s going to look at you. Last time you came in, she saw you as an addict who hated the world. But this time, she knows you hate yourself.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jack murmured, pulling his jacket tighter around him.

The doc just smiled. “Maybe,” he looked away, and the two men sat for a moment amidst the placid noise of nature around them. “I’ll see you at group tonight.”

Jackson grunted, and Dr. Warner left, leaving him alone once more.

xxx

“Mr. Maine, you have a visitor,” the nurse chirped from the door.

Jack sat up, not looking at her, and pulled himself to his feet. He walked past her, head down, and she jogged to catch up with him. “How have things been going for you, Mr. Maine? Feeling better today? I saw you missed group this afternoon-”

“I’m fine,” Jackson replied flatly. This facility had been designed specifically with high-profile patients in mind, yet the orderlies never failed to overstep their bounds. This particular nurse had been up Jackson’s ass since the beginning, always a little  _ too _ interested in his moods and behaviors. If Ally had been there with him, she would’ve lobbed a punch at the tiny blonde long ago, and he imagined the sight with a chuckle.

“Something funny, Mr. Maine?”

“Not really.”

“Oh… Well, have a good visit!”

The nurse scanned her keycard and the door to the visitor’s center opened. It was empty today; not unusual. In Hollywood you have significantly more money to burn on your addiction, and significantly fewer people interested in helping see you through it. Yet against the wall, leaning with his head down in that classic, old school cool Maine way, was Bobby.

“How are ya?” Jackson drawled out before dropping into one of the plush blue sofas.

“I’ve seen better days,” Bobby responded lazily. He sauntered over to the recliner across from his brother, and took a seat. “You?”

“Waiting for the light.”

Bobby rolled his eyes. “You really have to put it that way?” the elder brother leaned back in his seat, and Jack maintained eye contact. He wondered why Bobby bothered to come at all; the conversation was lackluster, and his brother always seemed steps away from livid every visit. Jack thought to ask, but waited a moment, because that  _ damn _ question was headed his way-

“You ready to let Ally see you?”

Every week, without fail, Bobby would ask him that question and get pissed at the answer. “Why the fuck are you still asking me that.”

“She’s your wife, you selfish motherfucker,” Bobby flipped a lighter in his hand, and Jack knew he wished he was smoking right now. They both did. “I saw her yesterday.”

“How is she?” Jack shut his mouth quick, acutely aware that his voice was much too eager.

Too late- Bobby had caught that. “She’s awful. Looks like she hasn’t slept since that night. Hasn’t touched a piano in weeks. You can’t call her, either. Every call goes straight to voicemail unless Lorenzo catches it in time, and even then he can’t put her on the phone. She’s just... waiting.”

Bobby didn’t have to say what for; the look in his eyes said it all.  _ Waiting for you _ . Jack opened his mouth to speak, but Bobby cut him off. “I’m not here for your bullshit excuses. You swear up and down you’re doing this for her, but it’s fucking destroying her. I’m only here to tell you Lorenzo’s got to get back to work, so I’ll be staying with Ally next week, which means I can’t be here. She’s been needing round the clock company, not unlike you.”

“I don’t need a fuckin’ lecture Bobby.”

“Nah, you just need to pull your head out of your ass,” Bobby leaned in, and Jack could smell the sweet, sweet tobacco on his breath. “You’re my little brother, and I can’t express to you how grateful I am every day that the belt snapped. You being here is the greatest gift I ever could’ve asked for. I love you,” tears welled in Jack’s eyes. “Ally loves you, too, and you’re never going to fight these demons if you don’t let us help you through it. We’re a family, Jack. That’s what we’re here for.”

Before silence could settle in, Bobby stood abruptly. “I’ll see you next week, pal,” Bobby nodded, and he left.

Jackson found himself staring at the door, thinking about what may lie on the other side. His wife, his brother, his dog, all within reach if he just stepped through those doors. He thought about what else may lie on the other side, too: addiction, self-hatred, ghosts of a past he couldn’t seem to shake.

“Jack? Are you ready to head back to your room now?” a nurse called from the door, catching him off guard.

“Yeah,” he responded gruffly, lumbering onto his feet. “I’m ready.”


End file.
